hello my little flavour kings and queens and welcome to the first instalment in this mini-series from the same brilliant, wonderful, sexy mind that brought you Finally Some Good F***ing Food. For context, each week, I’ll be giving my hot GBBO takes fresh out of the brain-oven and into your inbox, in a way that means you can read about the episode when you’re ready and therefore avoid any spoilers until you’ve actually watched it (yes, I’m looking at you, ALL OF TWITTER).
So, let’s get into it, shall we?
***SPOILERS AHEAD OBVS, LOOK AWAY IF YOU MUST***
Lizzie: Agent of Chaos
It’s nice to watch a show and finally feel represented – in my case, it’s seeing so many quirky and colourfully dressed women. We’re one episode in and I loved Freya’s, Rochica’s and even Prue’s outfits. However, one woman stood above the rest in my affection and that is Lizzie. With her dip-dyed hair and bubblegum pink prairie gown, you’d think she’d be another sweet Kim-Joy in the making.
But no. Not our Lizzie.
Lizzie is perhaps the one of the funniest and scariest contestants I’ve ever seen. They try to ask a leading question about her timing to make her feel nervous. Lizzie however just shrugs and says ‘it’s because I’m slow?’ She is not scared of the judges in the slightest, instead staring them down, and replying so bluntly it feels almost rude? Her energy is undaunted and almost ominously determined in a way that I’ve never seen before on the show. It’s impossible not to love. Of course, it’s only the first episode, so maybe she might become more vulnerable as time goes on, but I personally hope she steamrollers her way over Paul Hollywood right to the top.
Malty, malty goodness
This week’s technical is malt loaf, a very underrated snack which I love especially with a thick layer of Lurpak. The technical itself didn’t seem as bad as usual; normally it’s like ‘we want you to bake this pie from the 1850s no one’s ever heard of made from pastry, a pigeon chantilly cream and an ancient rock the druids bought from stonehenge’.
But malt loaf seems like you can at least vaguely try and make it yourself, especially if you actually have good instructions, so maybe I will endeavour to make my own. Or, just buy a loaf of Soreen and hoof it down entirely by myself.
A happy Jurgen makes a happy home
There’s a strong European contestant contingent this year as always, however they’ve got some particularly strong contenders for best contestants.
There’s George, the Cypriot who let out possibly the longest censored bleep I’ve heard on TV. There’s also Giuseppe, the very Italian engineer with his three very Italian sons, who all have names that sound like future teenage mutant ninja turtles. Him telling his son to essentially stop fucking around with his pizza dough as ‘that’s still our dinner amore’ was bellissima.
Then on the opposite end of the spectrum, there is the incredibly German Jurgen. From his solemn family trumpet playing to a scared looking rabbit, to him standing stony faced while Matt Lucas sings the Flintstones theme, the man is TV gold in the weirdest way possible. I can’t tell which I found funnier, that he made a cake version of Thomas More’s Utopia or the episode ending on him trying to ring his family and no one answering. Either way, I want more George, Giuseppe and Jurgen in my life.
Back yourself Tom!!
Firstly, I want to say I’m all for nice, humble men who are happy to admit they’re wrong. However, I think nothing has broken my heart like dear sweet Tom responding to his elimination immediately with ‘absolutely, fair enough’. It’s the reality show equivalent of ‘no worries if not’-ing yourself right off the show. Kudos to him though for showing the world how not to be a sore loser (if you want to see what a sore loser looks like, I recommend watching this).
PREDICTIONS:
So far, top 3 contenders are Crystelle (Her flower bouquet cake was beautiful!!), Giuseppe and naturally Flavour King himself, Jurgen. Although the stakes on Jurgen as a German to do well in Bread Week might be too much and could be his downfall, especially as I’m genuinely worried Germany might excommunicate him if he fails.
However, there are still a lot of contestants I feel we’ve barely scratched the surface of, so I hope we get to see some more personality from everyone. I also have a soft spot for George as I love an underdog story, so I hope he redeems himself this week.
Cooldown
Next week, I’ll actually try to bake something on theme and review it as a more cookery based part of this newsletter, but we’ll see if I actually remember.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this first letter and let me know your thoughts, predictions or if you try any attempts at baking.
If you enjoyed my writing or found it useful, just a reminder that you can donate to my Ko-Fi or Paypal here